The world according to Frank

We celebrated my father-in-law's 77th birthday tonight. The whole family met at his favorite restaurant (La Rosa's) and presented him with some gifts. In addition, many family members wrote letters to Frank recounting what he had taught them through the years. Below is the letter I submitted. Anything in parenthesis is explanation provided for the blog readers. As you will see, some items are serious and some are funny, but all are completely true.

Things I've learned from Frank (The world according to Frank)


1. To lose weight, adhere to the following plan... If it tastes good, spit it out.

2. It's okay to be a Melvin. That meant a lot coming from the guy who can fix anything. I'm not afraid of DIY mistakes anymore.(Frank can literally fix anything. I didn't learn until much later that he learned by making tons of boneheaded mistakes).

3. When you drop a screw, if there's a hole in the floor, the screw will roll around until it finds the hole and drop into it. It sounds ridiculous, but I swear it's true! (Kind of a variation on Murphy's Law)

4. It is not humanly possible to eat La Rosa's pizza without beer. It's a state law. Look it up! (If Frank ever goes to death row, his last request will be La Rosa's Pizza and Bud Light).

5. When doing a plumbing project,"you-know-what" doesn't run uphill. We tested that one, didn't we? (Ummmm... this story is too gross to recount on this blog).

6. Take the time to do the job right the first time. Taking short cuts will cost you time in the end. (Frank is a perfectionist. When he does a job you better believe it will be done right).

7. If your pants are too tight, your wife shrunk them... AGAIN! (Complaining still beats doing the laundry yourself!)

8. Days spent fishing don't count against you. They get tacked on to the end of your life.

9. Mick really can drive a motor home on I-75 through Atlanta... even if Tami did have to lay on the floor and not look. (We have video evidence of this!)

10. You can't eat a hamburger without a slice of raw onion. (Frank's love of onions is well documented)

11. The tool you need most is always on the other side of the room.

12. No matter where you lay your hammer, you'll always spend time looking for it.

13. You really can jack up a WHOLE house. I saw it with my own eyes! (Frank jacked up his whole house and replaced the entire foundation).

14. If you bet on red, the ball will land on black every time! (Money comes too hard. Don't gamble it away. The house wins every time)

15. It is possible, (and a lot of fun) to play a whole night of poker with 51 cards. (This really happened and is a favorite family story to this day!)

16. A guy looks ridiculous with the three of diamonds plastered to his forehead. (We tricked Frank into playing a game where you had to hold a card up to your forehead. Somebody smartly thought to take a picture... PRICELESS!)

17. Invest in a new tool for any job. It's cheaper than paying a so-called expert.

18. No matter how hard you look, you will never find a straight board at the lumber yard. (Frank is a great carpenter and spends a lot of time on the job complaining about crooked and warped boards).

19. Contrary to popular belief, the Japs were NOT just over the next hill. (Frank was only 5 years old when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. During WWII he thought the Japanese were close to his house and was afraid they'd come after him at any minute.)

20. You have to play the hand you are dealt. You don't get to exchange cards in the middle of the game.

21. An "ASPIRIN" never fell from the Seattle Space Needle. (This comes from Frank's misreading of a Trivial Pursuit question. The real question asked, "What movie begins with an assassin falling from the Seattle Space Needle?" Frank read the word assassin as ASPIRIN).

22. When playing Trivial Pursuit always act as if you know the answer for certain... even if you have no earthly idea what you are talking about! (Frank is notorious for answering all Trivial Pursuit questions with great authority. When in reality he often has no idea what the answer is. He has talked many a team out of correct answers in this way).

23. Joy can be found watching grandchildren marvel at rats running around on a colored wheel at the Farmers Fair. (The mouse game has been discussed at length on this blog).

24. You always carry the child on your shoulders no matter how bad your shoulders ache! (No explanation needed for the fathers and grandfathers reading this).

25. Life is fleeting. Enjoy every moment.

Thanks for all the memories, Frank. May there be many, many more! Thanks for always being there. It is a great comfort knowing I can call on you for anything and everything.

Your son-in-law,
Mick