Shopping

Folks, we have just come through yet another busy Christmas shopping season. As we speak, people are out at the malls clamoring for after-Christmas deals. There's not one retailer that's not trying to dump holiday merchandise at drastically reduced prices (proving it was grossly overpriced in the first place). Shopping is an activity that I totally do not understand. Many people go shopping for enjoyment. How this can be, I haven't a clue. If I go shopping, it's out of necessity only. Go in, grab the item, pay for it, get out! To say I dislike shopping is an understatement. Tami can't stand shopping either. Yet another reason I love her so much! We both avoid the mall (and all shopping for that matter) at all costs! Neither one of us understand the insanity that goes along with the hustle and bustle of shopping at a crowded, busy mall. We're both practical, simple people. There are thousands of other things we'd rather do with our time and money than go shopping.

With that being said, Tami and I took our share of trips to the mall in our younger days. Or more accurately, Tami did her share of dragging me to the mall in our younger days. You guys out there know what I'm talking about. You either go to the mall because you'd follow your beautiful girlfriend/wife anywhere or because the aforementioned girlfriend/wife asks you to accompany her. Either way, you go. Like it or not, you go. I remember the days early in our marriage of wandering around the mall like a wayward sheep, following Tami as she shopped for this and that. Later in our marriage it became okay for me to plop myself down on a stool in a mall restaurant and enjoy a cold beverage while Tami shopped. Marriage is about compromise, right? "Sure Honey. I'll go to the mall with you as long as I can sit at Applebee's and watch the Bengals game" :-) We've come a long way since then. We never go near the mall anymore and that's totally fine with both of us. It has been so liberating!

Not all of you Schleps, uh, I mean guys, have it quite so good as I. Some of you are still following your woman around the mall like a lost little puppy. Some of you Schmoes have yet to put a stop to the craziness of going to the mall. I'm here to help you fellas. I'll say this as plainly as I know how. STOP. GOING. TO. THE. FLIPPIN'. MALL!!!!!! There, I said it. It's that easy. I know you can do it. Need more encouragement? Check the photos below for proof:

This guy is still young. He obviously hasn't learned yet. The look on his face says it all. "Somebody help me. Please!"

This poor guy has been through the wringer. Look at the stacks of hat boxes and the fancy couch. This is no ordinary shopping trip. This is a high dollar shopping spree. He fell asleep watching the money fly out of his wallet.

This guy has his head in his hand. Can't you just hear what he's thinking? "How did this happen? I used to play softball and have beers with my friends. I'm a shell of my former self. What has become of me?"

Misery loves company. These birds of a feather have flocked together. Notice they are not interacting. They are all suffering silently in their personal pits of despair.

"Just wait on this bench, Honey. I only need to try on ONE dress. I'll be back in a few minutes". Yeah, suuuuuuuuuuure! This poor dude, has been waiting for a long while. He should've gone to Applebee's!

This is the look of TOTAL defeat. I know he's sleeping, but notice the head hung in utter hopelessness.

This guy has done this before. He's a real pro. Notice he brought his own pillow and a hat to shade his eyes. He must have been a Boy Scout. Talk about being prepared!

These guys have been here before too. They knew they needed something to pass the time. Thank goodness for portable devices that have the internet. They're probably checking the latest football scores. And... is it just me or are these poor suckers waiting outside in the cold? Those bricks look like they have traces of wet snow on them.

This is not Grandpa's first rodeo. He's been down this road more times than he cares to count. This is the look of a man who has had the life sucked completely out of him. I hope somebody knows CPR.

The guy on the left has been at this much longer than the guy on the right. Notice the mall walking shoes compared to the dress shoes. The guy on the left looks as if he is contemplating jumping over the railing in the background. The sweet relief of death may be a welcome alternative to waiting another minute for his wife to come out of Macy's.

There you have it, Gentlemen. Don't end up like these beaten down brothers. However, if you do find yourself at the mall, stop and have a cold one at Applebee's. Maybe I'll see you there!